


Nutters of the Lost Ark (Or: Why the Doctor Disapproves of Indiana Jones and His Leather Jacket)

by SelenaTerna



Series: Prompt Fics [20]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Adventure (sort of), Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Humour, Jealous Nine, Romance, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This happened because I was watching Indiana Jones and Nine showed up in my head, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29770377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: The Doctor and Rose discuss sartorial preferences while watching Indiana Jones. Predictably, the discussion becomes very...heated.
Relationships: Ninth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Series: Prompt Fics [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/722679
Comments: 28
Kudos: 43





	Nutters of the Lost Ark (Or: Why the Doctor Disapproves of Indiana Jones and His Leather Jacket)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aintfraidanoghosts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aintfraidanoghosts/gifts).



> Hello shiny people! I'm back after a few weeks break since finishing my last (lengthy) fic. This time we have something light, fluffy, silly and short (and NINE). I blame Lindsay entirely for this fic because she begged me to write it when this crazy nonsense popped into my head while watching Raiders of the Lost Ark a while ago. So really, IT IS ALL HER FAULT that I ended up writing this on a Monday morning when I was supposed to be working. So....yeah this fic is for her. 
> 
> No beta, all mistakes are mine. I hope you enjoy and please don't kill me for this silliness!

“You’ve got to be jokin’ _._ ”

“Wha’?” Rose said, eyes glued to the screen as the Doctor plopped onto the sofa beside her. 

“How can you watch this rubbish, Rose?”

“What’s wrong with it? ‘S _Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark!”_ she said indignantly, blindly reaching for another handful of popcorn.

“He’s traipsing about the jungle in a leather jacket!” The Doctor offered her the bowl. “Who does that, then?”

Rose choked. “‘Scuse me?”

“Nobody wears a leather jacket in the jungle on the way to liberate Aztec artefacts from a glorified seesaw!”

“Say what?”

“You heard me. This director is barking, Harrison Ford or no Harrison Ford. _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ , indeed. _Nutters_ of the Lost Ark, more like it!”

Rose turned to stare at him. “You did not just say that.”

“Did so!” He raised his eyebrows smugly. “What of it?”

“You did not just say that nobody- Doctor, _you_ wear a leather jacket in the jungle!” She shook her head disbelievingly. “You do it all the time!”

“Well...that’s different.” The Time Lord shifted uncomfortably and set the bowl on the table in front of them.

“You also wore a leather jacket in the snow and in the desert and to the beach and my cousin Robbie’s weddin’!”

“‘S not the same thing !” The Doctor folded his arms, leather jacket creaking. 

“Why not?” Rose silently thanked the TARDIS for pausing the movie for her. “He’s wearin’ a leather jacket in the jungle, you wear a jacket in the jungle. You wore a leather jacket in the Plentimen jungle just last week!”

“‘M not sayin’ there’s sommat _wrong_ with leather, Rose!” He scowled. “Happen to like leather, me. ‘M just saying leather isn’t appropriate for his...activities! ‘S just daft for a human to wear leather in a hot, humid jungle! You overheat at the drop of a hat, you lot!”

She smirked, suddenly understanding the cause of his little outburst. “Oh please, don’t start that whole ‘Time Lord biology’ bit again.” She rolled her eyes and turned back to the movie, sending another wave of gratitude to the TARDIS for restarting at just the right time, receiving a pleased hum in return. “Just admit you’re jealous of Harrison Ford and move on, Doctor.”

“I am not!”

“Course you are,” she said, watching as Indiana Jones slashed his whip about, admittedly looking like a giant git compared to the bloke sitting next to her- not that she’d ever tell the Doctor that. “‘S understandable that you’d feel insecure about how good he looks in leather.” She glanced slyly from the corner of her eye. “I mean, look at him. He’s a bit of alright what with the leather and the hat and the khaki trousers and workboots. Looks very rough ‘n ready- very sexy.”

“Oi! An’ what ‘m I then? A ballerina?”

She tried not to laugh as she stared determinedly at the screen, even though her attention was entirely on the man beside her. Sometimes, he was just too predictable. Any moment now…

Suddenly, she was lying on the couch, pinned beneath a Time Lord whose eyes burned blue fire.

“S’pose you think you’re funny?”

“Might do,” she said breathlessly. God, she loved him.

“S’pose you thought it’d be fun to tease an old Time Lord?”

“Might’ve done,” she grinned, tongue touching her teeth.

His eyes burned even hotter as his body stirred against her. “You should be careful playin’ with fire, Rose. Could get burned.”

“Oh I’m countin’ on it,,” she said, trailing a finger across his lips, heart racing as his eyes flared. 

“Is that so?” His face drew closer.

“Yeah,” she sighed as his lips caressed her neck. “You know I love a rough and ready bloke.” She smirked as he stilled. 

“Rose,” he growled.

“Well, _one_ rough and ready bloke- a daft old sod who’s jealous of someone off the telly.”

“Was not!”

“Yes you are.” She grinned, watching his eyes follow her tongue to the corner of her mouth. “You’re jealous of a git off the _telly_ , Doctor.”

The tips of his ears burned red. “Alright, might’ve been, just a bit,” he muttered. “Couldn’t help it, what with you starin’ at him so intently.”

She shook her head and pulled him closer. “You’re mental, you are.”

“Am I?” The low rumble of his voice sent tremors through her body.

“Course you are,” she said softly. “There’s only one bloke in a leather jacket I’m interested in.”

“That so?”

“That’s so,” she said breathlessly, arching against him. “An’ he’s so impressive that it hurts to look at him sometimes.”

“Does it now?” His eyes smouldered. “I’ll show you rough and ready, Rose Tyler.”

Neither of them had a word to say for a long time after that.

+++++++++++++++++++++

_Four weeks later, the Amazon Rainforest, Brazil, 1926_

“Come off it, Rose! Let it go!” The Doctor tromped up the slope, turning to make sure Rose was close behind. “Blimey, you’ve got the memory of a Zoprel elephant, you have.”

“But Doctor, I’m just worried about your health!” Rose smirked as she climbed the slope to stand besides him. “Nobody wears a leather jacket in the jungle! ‘S just mental. Not appropriate for our _activities,_ you know, what with us trying to save that alien _ark_ that landed here.”

“Oi, I’m not the one whose body temperature can kill ‘em within a few degrees!” he protested, crossing his arms. “Nice and steady with the biochemical processes, me.”

“But Doctor, I thought you said only a _nutter_ would wear a leather jacket in the-”

“Right, that’s enough of that. Com’ere, you,” he growled and pulled her to him, kissing her as though both their lives depended on it.

(Come to think of it, they probably did).

She was pleasantly unaware of her surroundings until approaching voices rudely interrupted their pleasant interlude.

“Perhaps we’d better give them a moment,” a timid voice in British tones said. “They appear to be, er, _occupied.”_

“Oh, if we wait for them to disengage we’ll never get anything done,” Jack said cheerfully. “Locked at the lips is of one the ten natural states in which you can find Rosie and the Doc in the wild.”

“I, er, that is-”

“Others include smiling goofily at each other, holding hands, cuddling, cuddling while smiling goofily at each other, arguing, arguing followed by smiling goofily at each other, the Doc defending Rose, Rose defending the Doc and both of them joined in places that are not permitted to be seen in public during this time period.” Jack wiggled his eyebrows at the blushing archeology student. “If you know what I mean.”

“Jack!”

“Harkness!”

Their erstwhile companion ignored them both and continued to lecture the poor bloke next to him, sounding for all the world as though he were narrating an animal documentary.

“They don’t object to human observers in most of these states, however-

A mighty flash interrupted Jack’s spiel.

“- the male of the Time Lord species has been known to react badly to flash photography,” Jack finished, cringing slightly.

“Oi!” The Doctor pulled away from Rose and stomped over to the poor bloke clutching the camera. “You tryin’ to burn my retinas?”

“He was just takin’ a photo, Doctor,” Rose sighed, following him.

“He was just blindin’ me, is what he was doing! Primitive human contraption nearly took my eye out.”

“'S not his fault that cameras are what they are in this time period,” Rose said, taking his arm as she turned him back to the trail they’d been following.

“He should watch where he’s pointin’ that thing!”

“He didn’t mean to blind us,” Rose soothed, pulling him along. “He’s probably just excited about the whole alien bit- only found out about it this morning, didn’t he?”

“S’pose,” the Doctor grumbled. “Still needs to be careful where he’s aiming that daft contraption.”

“I’m sure he will,” she soothed.

Behind them, Jack and his new friend trailed along. “You’ll note that the female of the brand new, one of a kind ‘Bad Wolf’ species has a calming effect on the Time Lord and can usually soothe him into less dangerous moods in no time.”

Philip exhaled. “Quite. Thank goodness for that! Does it, er, does that happen often?”

She could hear the smile in Jack’s voice. “All the time, gorgeous. All the time!”

As Jack began rambling about the time he’d been arrested for nude hiking on Kolima Beta, Rose glanced at the still-muttering Time Lord beside her, while the most lecherous immortal to walk the earth trailed behind them, trying his best to corrupt the poor naive bloke with him. _Nutters of the Lost Ark_ indeed, she smirked.

And she wouldn't have it any other way.

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come follow me on Tumblr at countessselena.tumblr.com


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